How to Be Successful at Tinder in Alaska


For women:
1. Don’t be ugly!
 If you can swing it, look like Zooey Deschanel. Nothing strengthens your Tinder game quite like being super hot. If you’re not-so-hot, swing by your local Sephora and just get really good at contouring. Contouring is like wearing a girdle for your face. And remember! Your photo is 99% of why you will – or won’t – get those likes, so work those filters, girls. If you’re trying to appear slimmer, angle your camera from above. If the situation is dire, make sure your camera angle is really high, like in a helicopter, taken by a friend 1000 feet in the air. Nothing slims a face like being barely visible from a sweeping aerial shot.

  1. Include a fun personal fact in your biography that can start a conversation.Look ladies, it’s awkward starting a relationship from thin air. Help the fellas out by adding a little information about yourself, preferably something he can comment on and you can both laugh about. Here are a few examples:
    • My name is Stephanie! My hobbies include memorizing airplane codes, HAM radios and NOT being a member of Anonymous 😉
    • Hey! I can’t believe I’m on Tinder but whatevs. In my free time I like to steal dogs, wait for the Missing Dog posters to start popping up, and then laugh at the posters with the dogs LOL
    • What up! I’m your typical Alaskan girl, I like to fish, hunt, and slowly melt over the course of several thousand years #glacierlife
  2. Don’t be afraid to message first.As girls we’re always told that the man will make the first move. Well, this is the 21st century. Ain’t nobody got time to be waiting around for the guy to initiate. He’s probably busy looking for his lost dog. Put yourself out there and drop a line, something casual like “I like your beard!” or “I like your long flowing hair” or even, if you’re feeling a little bold, “I like how your long hair flows seamlessly into your beard”.  Get creative, and know that there’s no shame in making the first move. You’re only as desperate as you feel.

For men:

  1. Make sure you have a fish in your picture. Trust me on this, no self-respecting lady is going to show even a passing interest in you unless you are holding some sort of dead water creature. How will she know you can provide for her in some post-apocalyptic zombie scenario, where the only available food source is freshly caught salmon? Exactly. So hold those fish high, gentlemen. And if you’re not a fisherman, a can of tuna will suffice but only if you’re crouching next to a body of water and giving a thumbs-up.
  1. Upload photos that are blurry and poorly cropped.Gotta keep your future Mrs. Swipe Right guessing a little with your out-of-focus, grainy night-time shot! Are you a human man, or a mythical specter in a baseball cap? Who knows? She sure doesn’t! Bonus points if your photos are just of sports and beer logos, a fancy car, or you with twenty of your best buds. Nothing says romance like trying to identify your future life partner out of a dude-huddle.
  1. Start the conversation the right way. First impressions are important; they set the tone for the whole interaction, maybe even the whole relationship! How you communicate through text says a lot about you. For example, if you start off with something like “Hi, my name is Ryan! Your dog is super cute, and looks almost identical to a dog I lost recently”, it communicates that you’re friendly, articulate, and you pay attention to detail. However if you start off the conversation by saying, “wyd”, you’re communicating that you’re human garbage. Just as an aside, no successful relationship in the history of the world has ever started with “wyd”. Not once! Try commenting on something in her bio, something cool you saw in one of her photos, or a unique deformity on her face.

 

If you use these tips, you’re sure to find love in the Great Land!

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