So I wanted to do an experiment with myself to see if I could phrase the worst customer service experience of my life in a way that was mildly entertaining. If it works, great! If it doesn’t, shut up it was just an experiment, gosh.
I woke up today incredibly late. I normally wake up late because I sleep typically from 8:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. due to my weirdo work schedule, but today I woke up at—gasp!—5 p.m.! What a total bum. Anyway, upon waking up I saw that I was invited to play a very racist game with a bunch of awful people who are not worth mentioning, and who probably don’t read my blog anyway so it’s cool that I say how totally lame they are.*
Anyway, I offered to grab chips and soda. At some point while shopping in Target for 3 or so hours (because I’m a basic white girl), my car battery decided to die. Which is weird, because my car is less than two years old. What kind of inconceivable pressure do I put on my car that its battery lasted such a short time? It can’t be because I sit alone in my car for hours each week, crying and listening to Alanis Morissette at full volume. That would be weird. Nobody does that, Katelynn.
Anyway, once I attempt to start the car and realize that it won’t turn over, I turned off Alanis Morissette and call the 1-800-KIA number that they put on my passenger window. It’s cool guys, because I paid SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS for the 10-year warranty in case anything does go wrong with my brand new car so that I never have to deal with these types of pedestrian problems.
I get connected to customer service pretty quickly, and a nice young southern gentleman answers the phone in what has to be the most stereotypically slow drawl ever heard outside of a Joe Dirt sequel. He proceeds to ask me if I’m safe. I tell him that I am. At this point, I’m not upset, just concerned. What could be wrong with my car? Will I have to bum rides off of people from now on? Public transportation? Is this my new life?
The southern gentleman, I’m going to call him Evan because that’s his name, asks me for my name. Here’s the conversation, as I remember it:
Evan: Can I please get your full name?
Me: Katelynn Sortino, K-A-T-E-L-Y-N-N S-as in Sam-O-R-T-I-N-O
Evan: Thank you, can you please spell your last name?
Me: S-as in Sam-O-R-T-I-N-O
Evan: Thank you miss, can I please get the last eight digits of your VIN?
Me: [I read the last eight digits of my VIN, because I totally have them, because I’m very responsible]
Evan: Is it [reads half of my VIN back, incorrectly]
Me: No, it’s [reads my VIN correctly]
Evan: [reads it back incorrectly]
Me: [reads it back much slower]
Evan: [reads it back correctly]
Evan: Can you please tell me your first and last name?
Evan: Yes again.
Me: K-A-T-E-L-Y-N-N S-as in Sam-O-R-T-I-N-O
Evan: Okay Miss Sortino, you’re not in our system. Nothing is coming up.
Me: Well, that’s weird because I have the car right here, and I bought it from you guys, and I have the full warranty.
Evan: Where are you located?
Me: Anchorage, Alaska.
Evan: Can you spell that please?
Me: … which part?
Me: No, A-N-C-H-O-R-A-G-E.
Evan: Can you please read me the VIN again?
Me: Oh my god. [reads it again]
Evan: Yeah, you’re not in here. But I can send somebody out. It will be $180.00.
Me: Oh no Evan, I specifically paid all the money so I wouldn’t have to pay for this kind of stuff for 10 years. It’s only been one year. I don’t want to pay $180 to get my car fixed. May I please speak to your supervisor?
Evan: Oh but I’m trying to help you.
Me: And you’re doing your best Evan, but I would like to speak to your supervisor please.
Evan: Let me put you on hold.
[several minutes go by]
Evan: So my supervisor said that you can look in the matrices.
Me: … I… I don’t know what… that is…
Evan: You can just reference the matrices.
Me: Is that something I should know how to do? I have no context for any matrices. What’s going on, Evan?
Evan: Yeah, that’s all you have to do.
Me: Evan… I don’t… what… can I please speak to your supervisor?
Evan: [getting frustrated] I just spoke to her!
Me: I didn’t ask if you can speak to her, Evan! I asked if I can speak to her!
Evan: [huffs angrily] Let me put you back on hold.
[several minutes later]
Evan: Good news Miss Sortino, we can tow you for free to your nearest Kia dealer! Can you please give me the VIN again?
Me: Evan! I don’t want my car towed, I want my car fixed. Can I please speak to your supervisor?
Evan: I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!
Me: [crying] I KNOW BUT I’M SO FRUSTRATED!
Evan: YOU DON’T NEED TO SPEAK TO HER!
Me: BUT I WANT TO!
Evan: [long silence]
Me: [long silence]
Evan: Fine, hold on.
[very long silence]
Needless to say, I finally talked to Evan’s supervisor, who assured me he will be executed for being the stupidest person alive.
*Not really. They’re pretty good.