Help? 

I haven’t posted on my blog for a whole because I feel like people expect me to be funny, but I’m not in a funny place right now. 
Here’s the reality of my situation. I’m extremely unhappy. The life I’ve created for myself is not one I want to participate in. I’m not suicidal, but the me I am now is no longer somebody I want to be. The truth is, I can’t see a reasonable life that would be worth living. No relationship or job or move or Major Life Change seems worth doing.
What’s so frustrating is how supremely ungrateful I feel for what I do have. I have a job, I’m not hurting for money, I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. But I find myself desperately wanting to escape from even the activities that are supposed to fill me with joy. All I want to do is sleep, and cry, and sleep.
It’s in times like this that I realize just how bad of a friend I am. When I need nothing more than someone to sit with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, there’s nobody. Nobody in my life who isn’t too busy or too far or too far-removed to be a life preserver for me right now. I’ve gotten so good at keeping people at a distance because it’s so much easier. People know me as being silly or funny or goofy because being those things is infinitely easier than being hurt, or depressed or broken. I equally want to hide away and reach out, which often leaves me doing both in rapid succession, causing those around me to feel confused and hurt. 
In my job, in my field, being depressed is a liability. When your job is putting other people first, it becomes second nature to choke down your own emotions and put the client’s needs always ahead of your own. As a Christian, we’re taught to pray about your problems. Well, God hasn’t been listening for a while and I’m so sick of pretending like praying is enough.
Even writing this scares me because I’ll be seen as weak or incapable. I’m not. I feel like I’m falling, crashing and burning in every facet of my life when in reality, I’m just standing still, trying not to completely pull apart. I guess I’m just sick of acting like I’m okay.

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4 thoughts on “Help? 

  1. Let me start with, I love you. Then let me say…This too shall pass..or maybe I should say this too has already pasted… Katelynn you are watching the credits roll on a chapter in your life that is over…and it is past time for the next chapter to be written… The next adventure, cause, reason to be passionate is here…but you are still watching the credits to the last chapter…Katelynn you are a warrior…who needs to be fighting a war…time to go find your war!
    You are so much more than funny…you are funny…but that is only one side of you…you are passionate…you cannot even do depressed alone and passive…enjoy this sadness… To feel is one of God’s greatest gifts… And that is also how I know it’s time to start something new…because you have profected the life you have created to the point that now you want to knock it down and build something else …so do it.
    Be a better friend… Stop kicking yourself over yesterday…call the list till one can meet for coffee and start building the friendship up…go make new ones and treat them better…
    You are not powerless in your life…you are the only one with the power…now wield it like a ninja…
    Buy a plane ticket…get another dog… A new tattoo… Write a song… Pray…
    And let me finish with… I love you!

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  2. It takes courage to write as you do. Your words are a subtle reminder of our humanity. As tragic as that is, without our limitations, there would be nothing to overcome and courage would be obsolete. And stories would be a lot less inspiring and probably less funny. You will make it on the other side of this; because you have a spirit of power and love. It might take time, which sucks. A lot. But thank you again for sharing. You are much more than simply funny.

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  3. I don’t know you well at all(I think we met a couple times in Seattle through church stuff) but I hope you have found some friends to talk to! I’ve struggled with depression and I know reaching out is always so much better than bottling it up or pretending. Feeling depressed doesn’t make you weak, it forces you to be strong and do hard things like talk about your insecurities, fears and feelings. My mom always told me it’s good to have something you’re looking forward to, something big like a trip or even just going and spending some time with a friend doing something you really enjoy. I find that helps as well. Things will look up eventually, even if right now they seem like they never will. Hang in there. If you do need someone to talk to even over email, feel free to do so!

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  4. It takes courage to write as you do. Courage becomes evident when there is something to overcome. Without our limitations, courage would not be necessary. Thank you for being vulnerable and inspiring the soul to seek something greater. I believe you will overcome this period, because you have a spirit of power and love within you. Your writing is evidence of that. It may suck right now, which is not encouraging, but greater things lie ahead. Keep rising. Proverbs 24:16.

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