I recently got inspired to start creating my own jewelry. While meandering through the Michael’s craft store aisles, the inspiration struck to make my own vintage, cute, kitschy little creations. I took that inspiration and ran with it. I went on some websites, picked out the supplies I wanted, and had them shipped.
But that’s when my internal voice got louder. What if people think they’re stupid? What if people looking my idea and think that it’s dumb, or a waste of time, or they secretly think that no one would ever want to buy anything for me? These are the kind of thoughts I have all the time. I start to invest my time and energy into something, only to think to myself, what do I have to offer? Am I really actually good at anything?
Because the truth is, trying at anything is terrifying. The idea that you’re putting a part of your self out there, Open for the world to see, Is very scary. What if somebody looks at something I’ve done and decides that it’s stupid. Am I stupid? Did I just miss the boat on being clever, or creative, or good at something? If I put my best thinking into something, and that something is rejected, am I rejected too?
So that’s where my defense mechanisms come in. Sometimes I give up entirely, and pretend like it was just a joke. Sometimes I qualify my efforts with preemptive self-deprecation. If I know that what I’m doing is stupid and pointless, than nobody can make me feel vulnerable by saying it because I already know. HAH! Take that, haters. And, sometimes it’s just a lot of effort to put forth the energy. Being a passive participant in life is often a lot easier and less painful than really putting your heart into things that could really matter a lot.
I really want to work on putting myself out there. Whether it be through my drawings, my jewelry, singing, or writing, I want to give the world the opportunity to reject me without doing it first.