So today I had my first appointment with a new primary care physician. I have a slight aversion to doctors and medical settings in general, so I may have been procrastinating from finding a doctor. For three years. But whatever. As I always say when I’m inspiring people: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”
So I bit the proverbial bullet and scheduled a doctor’s appointment. My dear friend recommended this doctor to me and spoke very highly of this particular MD. I would name that friend here but after her terrible recommendation, she is dead to me.
I arrive at the doctor’s office 15 minutes early, as instructed. I fill out all of the invasive paperwork and am shuttled off to a second waiting room. After about half an hour, a nice nurse takes me back to the little doctor room. By this point, my appointment should have started well over 40 minutes ago, but whatever. I’m patient, and I’m reading a really good book. I can wait.
Or so I thought. Forty-five minutes go by. An hour goes by. Than an hour and a half. I finally pop my head out and head to the nurses’ station where I strain to remain polite and composed as I remind them that I do exist and would like to be seen eventually. If not for myself, but for my dog who is waiting in the car, likely destroying everything. The nurse apologizes profusely and says she will look into it.
Shortly after, she comes in and tells me, “You were scheduled to be seen next, but the doctor decided to see the next patient instead. Don’t worry, she always knows what she’s doing.” Wait, I’m sorry, what? At this point I’m really struggling to not get frustrated. Fortunately I work with teenage girls so I have the zen-like patience of a Buddhist monk, but these circumstances are starting to get to me. I’m texting a good friend through this whole ordeal and she asks me why I’m not cracking the skulls of medical professionals in a whirlwind of blind, righteous fury (paraphrased)? She asks if she wants me to have her call them, to stand up for me during this situation.
Maybe my book was just that good, or maybe I truly have developed into a serene, calm person, but it really didn’t bother me. Until the two hour mark. At which point I started planning my speech in my head for when her stupid doctor face walked through the door. Here were my first few drafts:
– Excuse me, ma’am, I understand that you are very important and very busy. But I am also important and busy, and had important and busy tasks to get to this morning. You have kept me here for a ridiculous amount of time, and I have literally filled my purse to the brim with tongue dispensers, cotton balls and alcohol swabs. Probably about $18.00 worth of medical items. You cannot have them back.
– Hi doctor lady, I understand that I’m a new patient and maybe you were nervous to meet me? And that’s why you stayed away so long? I understand. It took me three years to schedule this doctor’s appointment. I was nervous too. But really, let’s not be afraid of each other. And let’s never, ever, ever do this to me again.
– Yo trick, how dare you make me wait over two hours? I have amazing insurance, which you are NEVER going to see. Big mistake. HUGE.
I said none of these things. As she finally comes in at 12:30 (after I’ve been there for 2.5 hours), we finally get this medical show on the road. At which point, she completely ruins my life by insisting that I should no longer eat dairy products. Apparently, I’m likely “lactose intolerant” and need to “cut dairy out of my diet for two weeks, possibly forever”. Wait, I’m sorry, what? “Oh, you just need to cut out milk, cheese, coffee creamer, and yogurt”. Hold the phone. This list is pretty much all I eat. What am I supposed to eat now? Black coffee? Pizza without cheese? Cereal without milk? Why did she make me wait for such a long time, only to give me the worst news ever?
I wholly intend on being the crankiest, grumpiest version of myself over the next few weeks.
As an aside, I also went and got my oil changed and tires rotated today. It was a day full of waiting in lobbies. The best part, though, was that they spelled my name “Katelunn Fortino”. I like it so much I’m considering a legal change.