Looking for a new roommate is always stressful. It’s a pretty intense thing, trying to find a living situation that is compatible with your own. I mean, there are so many opportunities for things to fall apart. What if they do drugs? What if they steal? Or even worse, what if they still watch American Idol? I don’t think I could handle that.
That being said, it’s also a pretty exciting thing. Meeting new people, exploring new possibilities, deciding how you want to move forward in the next phase of your life. And also getting a chance to reevaluate what you value. For example, here are some things I realized I wanted in a living situation:
- No boys. I’m not living with a stinky dude unless I absolutely have to.
- No drugs or excessive drinking.
- Somewhere that allows dogs.
- Hardwood floors would be nice, but I understand that I am not a fancy princess and will get over it if there’s carpet.
- My own room.
Now, I think this is a pretty reasonable list. But you would be surprise how impossible my minimal demands are. I figured craigslist would be the best place to look for a potential roommate, so I posted a little ad about Mindy and I and how we’re looking for a moderately priced room with moderately sane roommates. I don’t recall specifically requesting everybody who responded to my ad to be absolutely bonkers, but that happened anyway.
One guy (first problem) asked me right off the bat what I thought about pedophiles. Um, I’m against them? And then he proceeded to send me many, many, many texts about why his current tenants are absolute garbage people and how he can’t get them to move out. Wait, what? So I’m going to be indefinitely sharing a room with drug addicted theives whom you can’t evict? And then, on top of it all, once I said that I wasn’t interested, the guy proceeded to text me an entire book about how he really is a good guy, and he thinks I just don’t understand him. Which is true. Next.
My favorite though was a woman who advertised a spacious, hardwood floor, pet friendly room for about $600. Perfect! She tells me to meet her at the Barnes & Noble parking lot. And she told me to bring my dog. That’s fine, she might just want to meet her to make sure she’s a good dog. I’m not worried yet. She shows up about half an hour late, takes one look at Mindy, and tells me to put her in the car and follow her. Oh boy.
So we go inside Barnes & Noble and proceed to stand in the entrance. For some reason, this is where she conducts most of her business. We stay in there and talk for about an hour, I which point she tells me she is divorcing her husband and is taking in tenants because absolutely nobody will hire her and she can’t get money any other way. Wait, what? She also tells me that she hates women because they’re all jealous of her and everything she has. Fortunately she had a good feeling about me, and I’m one of the few women on the planet she doesn’t hate. She also confided in me that she went to prison for trying to kill her ex-husband. She hates Muslims, is a direct descendent of Jesus and Mary Magdalene IF they had a child (but only if!) and frequently she takes in homeless people off the street to live with her but it never works out.
The best part though was my room. Turns out, my room is actually a fort constructed out of cardboard boxes in the living room. But don’t worry, it feels almost exactly like a real room. You can hardly tell that your room is a box made of boxes. She didn’t have any pictures, but she did draw me some lovely diagrams and she sent me to her YouTube channel which explains everything. But I was informed to absolutely not let anybody else see the videos, because it was highly confidential.
We ended up talking for over two hours, because I have absolutely no backbone and can’t disengage from a conversation to save my life. Also, I move into my box room in two weeks.